Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 24, 2003

My husband cheated on me for maybe five years, and yes, I really had no idea. The person he cheated with is a policewoman on his job. She is married and her husband is a cop, too. To make a long story short, I found out about the affair and forgave him, but a few years later I realized it was still going on.

So out of anger, I called her husband and told him, plus I gave him the damaging proof. I also filed a complaint with her captain to keep her from calling my house. Now my husband is trying to save his good name with the department and avoiding contact with her husband.

She, on the other hand, hardly ever goes to work now. As for me, my husband is playing the "forgive me" role again. But this time I'm letting him believe things are okay with us. I decided to use him as my lover. I'm back at school full-time for my degree. I turn down nothing he offers. I ask for everything, and most of the time I get it.

I'm going places I only dreamed about, and I'm enjoying it for me, not for us! I am determined to be a better independent me, able to take care of myself. Hey, what he does for me, even if it's out of guilt, I deserve it and more. I am going to take it all, and in the end he will know what it is like to place your trust and belief in one person, only to have them walk out with no regrets.

This I am going to do cause it's all about me now. I forgot one more thing. I have been faithfully married to this man for almost 20 years. Tell me what you think of this.

Vivian

Vivian, cheating changes everything about a relationship. It has made you into someone you never were. You are not the kind of woman to use a man and be selfish in a relationship. But you couldn't pull him to your path, so he pushed you to his.

When you first learned of his affair, you forgave your husband, but you didn't take action. That is why you are where you are now. He didn't suffer any consequences. Perhaps the only consequence that would have prevented you from being cheated on a second time was divorce.

A famous poem by Robert Frost says it is the road we pick "that has made all the difference." Had you chosen another road the first time, he might have stopped. Or he may never have stopped. But the consequences came too late for both of you.

Tamara

Test Of Wills

My girlfriend is great. I really enjoy being with her, and she says we make a great couple. But here is the problem. We are coming from two very different places. She ended a three year relationship about a month before we started dating, and she has a nagging feeling she hasn't spent enough time on her own.

Were it not for the bad timing, she would have no reservations about forming a serious relationship with me. I can definitely understand where she is coming from. I've been trying to convey to her I have no problem if she spends more time away from me as long as that does not mean breaking up.

Matt

Matt, you can't take away someone's free will. Even though we might like to exert our will on another, if we had that right, what would prevent them from doing the same to us?

Why should your will override hers? Why can't you accept that if she has to be changed so you can have her or want her, she is not your person? It is freedom of will which makes love perfect with the right person.

Wayne