Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 12, 2003

Of all the relationship advice columns, I like and respect yours most because you never encourage using manipulation or "tricks" in relationships.

I recently turned 30 and am considered an attractive woman. My life has never been easy, but I put it all behind me and tried to make the best out of my assets. I moved to the States, put myself through college, graduated with honors, and work hard to support myself.

The only problem is I have no love in my life. The men I date act like I am the best thing to happen to them, in the beginning that is. Inevitably it turns out they do not want a serious relationship, leaving me with a broken heart and crushed hopes. If I am really that wonderful, why is this happening to me?

I have dated men of various ages, professions, and physical appearance. The only thing they have in common is a dread of settling down with one person forever.

I live in New York, perhaps the most "commitment phobic" city in the world. Whenever I travel to other states, people say, "You're such a beautiful girl. Not married yet?" It's flattering, but I cringe to hear that question. It makes me feel like the biggest loser.

I've tried almost everything. Recently I read in one of the relationship books the best way to attract the right partner is make a list of all the qualities we would like them to possess and meditate upon it. Inevitably the right mate will be drawn to us. Call me skeptical, but this sounds like ordering custom furniture, not meeting a mate.

Can such lists really work? Please help me. I am too young to live without love the rest of my life.

Eldora

Eldora, oh, if it was only that simple. Make a list of what you want--a man, money, or a trim waist--and meditate. If that worked, we'd all be married, we'd all be rich, and we'd all be thin. If that book worked, it would be the hottest selling book ever.

Authors of relationship books say you can plan and plot this out because that is what people want to hear. But it is not within their power to make happen. No one has a crystal ball to tell you when the great moments of your life will occur. Love comes when it comes, not when you decide it should come.

Love is a word which is often misused. It can be used to gain undeserved intimacy. There is something to be said for waiting, because those who are not serious are not likely to be patient. As you have already painfully discovered, you cannot turn a man who is not serious into one who is no matter how much he says he likes or loves you.

It doesn't take long to realize a shoe doesn't fit, and almost all men give indicators they are, or are not, of a mindset for a wife. The sooner you learn a man is not of your mindset, the less likely you are to be hurt. If a man says he isn't looking for marriage, shake his hand, say goodnight, and tell him he is not what you are looking for.

The one thing we can tell you is to live the kind of life which is in you, that you deserve, that you have a passion for. Because that is the only thing which is under your control.

Put yourself in the way of love and marriage. That means not being involved with anyone who does not want marriage, acknowledging in your heart you want to be married, and not being afraid to say it. The man who truly loves you will want to make you his own.

The best thing you can do is be out there living a good life.

Wayne & Tamara