Can you re-start your life?
There is no real way to deal with everything you lose.
Joan Didion, from an interview in the San Francisco Chronicle, January 6, 2004.
What do we lose? Though I did not notice it at the time, when I graduated from school I experienced a major loss I lost my role of being a student and became a worker. Later in my life, I lost my wife to a sudden illness. This took place four years ago and is still vividly remembered.
In what ways is Didions statement both true and not true? While we easily deal with some losses, others are much more difficult. Some losses may take years to heal and others may never seem to be resolved. Take the loss of my role as student. I hardly noticed this happening and I did deal with it because it was a change I wanted. Does it still affect me? Yes, when I think back to my school days I remember the feeling of having unlimited time to pursue my interests. The only pressure was to complete assignments and study for tests; not to earn a living. It might be nice to go back to that role; however it was a necessary loss and a necessary next step in my life.
Consider next the loss of my wife. Married just days short of 35 years and suddenly she is gone. Is there a real way to deal with such a loss? If dealing means to forget; then no, there is no real way. If it means moving beyond this loss; then yes there are ways to do this.
Yet for some it is not a single loss, but rather a lifetime of losses. Building up, taking a toll on your ability to move through each day. Is there a way to deal with life-long loss? I think so.
There are ways to re-start your life. I say re-start because sometimes when we lose a loved one it is as if our life also stops. Besides death, other losses such as divorce, rejection and separation are also deeply felt. And beyond these, there are many other types of loss, all capable of stopping us from living fully.
What are the areas of loss? Here are some examples of loss. It is not a complete list; we can all add to it from personal experience.
People: We can lose a relationship in many ways. As mentioned above it is not only death that ends a relationship. The loss may be of your spouse or partner, a child or parent, a long time friend. It may be a single loss or the build up of losses over time.
Place: You may have become attached to a place and then for some reason, you are gone from that place of comfort of home. You may have moved many times as a child, or as an adult. Or you may have never felt at home in your setting and longed for your own place.
Things & Roles: Possessions handed down to us. Things treasured for the memories they hold; things we associate with people we love. I would include here roles and jobs because they are part of us and when we lose them it can be a deeply felt loss.
Self: To lose your way. This may be a very profound feeling of having no purpose. Or it may be a nagging feeling that you missed something; some turn in the road that would have led to happiness. We also lose our self in a direct way as we age. And for some we lose aspects of ourselves prematurely to disease.
How are we affected? Who decides what a loss is and how deeply it is felt? It is up to each of us. You determine what the loss is and what it means to you.
I see four principle ways or areas of impact. These are some symptoms or indicators that we are experiencing loss.
Physically:Our body suffers. We neglect our self; we care less about and for our physical well-being. Disease and age also produce loss within and upon our bodies.
Emotionally: We may withdraw from others; not wanting to feel too much. We may lash out. Our emotions can be profoundly affected by loss.
Mentally:We may dampen down our thoughts. We may deaden our mind and avoid thinking or remembering in any number of ways. Our thoughts may turn negative, always seeing more loss in the future.
Spiritually: There may be a drawing away from beliefs long held; with a feeling that no comfort can ever come again from rituals and beliefs. There may also be a desire to find a new belief, one that takes the place of the old or fills this hole inside.
Will everyone respond the same way to loss? No, however most of us will respond in some negative or self defeating way for some period of time. If this is true, then what can any of us do to stop or minimize this?
New tactics How do you make a shift to heal from loss? How can you re-start your life? Here are a few suggestions.
1) Take time to look closely at your situation. Assess your response to the particular loss. What are you feeling right now as you consider this? What are you doing differently now or not doing? If you are looking at life-long loss; then try to look at how this has affected your actions and thinking.
2) Take time to think about how you would want your life to be different. Changes you want to see in the future. What would a re-started life look like? Make a list. Be specific. Do it now.
3) Find a way to talk with and learn from others. Look for groups. Start your own group.
What if there are real ways to deal with everything we lose? Would you want to miss the opportunity?
Fritz M. Brunner, Ph.D. 2005 |
