I know anticipatory grief - a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event occurs - far too well. My mother suffered from probable Alzheimer's disease and I was her caregiver for nine years. As time passed she lost the ability to reason, track numbers, read a book, understand TV, create sentences, and finally, the ability to speak.

Every time I was with her I wanted to cry.

Anticipatory grief is a hard journey and nobody can take it for us. Some experts think anticipatory grief is worse than post-death grief because we're always on alert, waiting for the end to come. Grieving people wear black arm bands in some cultures. I wish I was wearing an arm band when I saw a friend at the grocery store.

"Hi Harriet, how are you?" she asked. Had I been truthful I would have said I felt awful. But I didn't say that I said, "Fine, how are you?" Why don't we talk about anticipatory grief? There are lots of reasons.

- Most people have never heard the term, so we would have to stop and explain it.

- We fail to see the anticipatory grief in our lives or the power it has over us.

- If we shared our feelings we would break down and sob.

- Our family culture prevents us from being open with others.

- People may think we're weak and lack "backbone."

- Funny stories are what people want to hear, not sad ones.

- We're afraid people will avoid us.

Some years ago our family was struck by one crisis after another. My husband and I became known as the sad news couple. Many people didn't want to hear our news for fear they would catch it like a bad cold. In their minds anticipatory grief was a contagious disease.

But I'm a grandmother now, older, wiser, and more resilient. Life experience has given me the courage to say, "I'm having an anticipatory grief day."

Chances are you've had anticipatory grief days, too. Maybe you're grieving for a child with chronic illness, a job shift, moving out of the home you loved, your retirement date, a dying pet, or a parent in hospice. I hope you'll learn from my experience and tell people you're going through anticipatory grief.

We grieve because we care. Anticipatory grief shapes our lives, helps to define who we are, and who we were meant to be. Let's talk about it.

Copyright 2005 by Harriet Hodgson. For more information on her work please go to www.harriethodgson.com.

Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson has been a nonfiction writer for 27 years. She is a member of the Association of Healh Care Journalists and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. A prolific writer, she is the author of 25 published books and hundreds of print and electronic articles.

Hodgson has written about parenting, recycling, sexual harassment, aging, Alzheimer's disease, caregiving, communication, nutrition, physical activity, weight management, anticipatory grief, and many other topics.

She started out as a teacher and earned a B.S. with honors from Wheelock College in Boston, MA. She went on to earn an M.A. in Art Education from the University of Minnesota and did additional graduate work. After spending a dozen years in the classroom Hodgson changed careers and turned to writing.

All of her writing comes from life experience. Hodgson has talked about her experienes on some 150 radio talk shows, including CBS Radio, Minnesota Public Radio, WCCO Radio and "Coping With Caregiving," an Internet-only radio program broadcast worldwide. In addition, she has appeared on dozens of television programs/stations including CNN.

Hodgson is a Past President of the Wing of the Aerospace Medical Association. A past president of the Minnesota Medical Association Alliance (MMAA), she represented MMAA members on the Minnesota Medical Association Health Care Reform Task Force. She is an active community volunteer and all of her volunteer efforts focus on health.

Hodgson is cited in "Something About the Author," "Who's Who of American Women," "Who's Who in America," "Who's Who in the World," "The Dictionary of International Biography," and "Contemporary Authors," published by Gale Research.

Hodgson lives in Rochester, Minnesota with her husband, C. John Hodgson. She enjoys learning, travel, antiques, singing, and spending time with her twin grandchildren.